There is no such thing as 'Perfect'

Yeah I know everyone already knows that.But how many of us actually believe it?I am not sure if it happens with everyone,and I am very happy for people it doesnt happen to.But I have always been a dream chaser.I have always chased dreams which seem to me like they will take my life closer to 'perfection'.And thats where I suffer.Because eventually how hard I try and go after it,it keeps slipping away.

I saw a movie today which was amazing in my eyes.Had been putting off seeing this for a long time but finally did see it today.It is called 'The Butterfly Effect' starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.The realization finally struck me after seeing the movie.For those who have not seen it here is Wikipedia's assessment of the story-

Evan Treborn, who suffered severe traumas as a boy and a teenager , blacks out frequently, often at moments of high stress. While in his dorm room reading one of his journals to a girl, he finds that when he reads from his adolescent journals, he travels back in time, and is able to essentially "redo" parts of his past, thereby causing the blackouts he experienced as a child. There are consequences to his choices, however, that he then propagates back to the present: his alternate futures vary from frat boy to prisoner to amputee. His efforts are driven by the desire to undo the most traumatic events of his childhood which coincide with his blackouts, including saving his childhood sweetheart Kayleigh, from being molested by her father and tormented by her sociopath brother .

The actions he takes, and those he enables others to take during his blackouts, change the timeline in the new future wherein he awakes. As he continues to do this, he realizes that even though his intentions are good, the actions he takes have unintended consequences. Moreover, the assimilation of dozens of years' worth of new memories from the alternate timelines causes him brain damage. Ultimately he decides that his attempts to alter the past end up only harming those he cares about. He travels back in time once more to the first day he met Kayleigh and scares her away. He succeeds in undoing his childhood as he knew it, and then destroys all his journals so that he's not tempted to bring any of it back.

The film ends eight years in the future with Evan leaving an office building and passing Kayleigh on the street. After a moment's hesitation, he lets her pass by without noticing him.

Critics have not been too kind to the film but the overall rating on IMDB is 7.8.Anyway that really isnt very important.Whats important is that realization struck.That I have been going about it all wrong.But an extended thought has consumed me since yesterday.Am I willing to change?The signs dont really look that healthy to be very honest.It is a scary place to be in,but I will try to be strong and ride it out.As I write this post,honestly I dont think there has been any difference in me from yesterday but hopefully there will be.Hopefully.

Another composition..

Can not say how I have come up with this one so soon after the first one.But here it goes nonetheless-

What have I always wanted?

I have never been too sure

This is a strange disease

That really has no cure

How does one become happy?

Is there a magic potion?

If your answer is yes

I am ready to pay a fortune

Is my definition of happiness

Really that strange?

It sometimes seems to me like

I'm walking through a maze

People ask me to change

And start 'thinking' less

Maybe that is the cause

Of all my life's mess

I have always cared for people

And expected the same back

But maybe they are not the same

Is a thought that I lack

I have hardly heard songs

That summarize my life well

And I am still to realize

Why all these thoughts still dwell

I sometimes think I should

Change my thinking process

But I also know my heart

Does not want a recess

How are these compositions

Coming out from the blue?

Or is it that this all

Is happening on a cue?

I am not sure as I end this

About what blew my fuse

After all doesn't every artist

Always need a muse?

My 50th post-A first time composition...

Strange what some situations make you do. Never thought I could write rhymes but here I am trying. It might not be good but it is honest. And that is important.

Here goes-

I want to write a song

About how I feel today

Its not a common feeling

That one gets everyday

I met a girl in college

She was perfect for me

I started talking to her

And my heart was full of glee

We talked for long hours

We talked into the night

We talked about everything

That God built in his might

She told me about her past

And how it made her cry

I could see myself a reason

For her happiness to reach the sky

She told me she was happy

And that I could be relieved

I don't know why but I thought

That she was lying through her teeth

She said she couldn't love me

And I couldn't see her gone

So I told her I would wait

Till she was ready to move on

But being who I am

I could not hold on

And before you could snap

There; She was gone

I didn't cry myself a river

And told myself I would be strong

But before long I realized

I want her in my song

When this realization struck

I wanted to tell her how I felt

Seeing my feelings, I thought

Maybe she would melt

Alas heard that she will be engaged

Do not know whether to be sad or happy

I don't know what this feeling is

But it makes me feel crappy

And as I end I will say

This was my story in a song

When will these twists of fate end?

Second time this has happened, All wrong....

Just overcame my writer's block

A strange thing happened today.In the last few days,I had no motivation to blog. Hence its been 20 days since I last wrote. But today something happened that made me wanna come back and write. I do not know if this is gonna be a comeback through single post or whether I am gonna start writing frequently again but I do know one thing. I wanna write today.

I have written here before about someone. For those of you who have not read it, I request you to go read this post-http://mytimes-prateek.blogspot.com/2010/03/yet-another-blog-post.html

The 4 most beautiful days in my life were 11-14 Feb 2010. Yes I had had the day where I had gotten admitted into IIMC on 10 April 2009 but even that did not compare to what I felt in those 4 days. I have this strange definition of happiness in my head and for once, I experienced it.

She was perfect in my eyes. I remember not noticing her in college for the first few months when everyone did. But I also remember 3rd December 2009 when I talked to her for the first time. It was regarding a change in marks in a small 10 mark quiz that we had had. I fought with her over half a mark. After 2 minutes of convincing her I knew that she was not gonna relent and increase my marks. But I still kept pushing for a good 10 minutes just to be able to talk to her. I promised myself that day that I was gonna talk to her again. And soon.

That promise I kept.11 December 2009 and I did go and ask her out. She kept refusing but I guess once you hear a no, you sort of think that it couldnt get worse and you keep trying. Thats what I did and this time she did relent. 2nd Jan 2010 she said. Great beginning to the new year I thought.

It came to 31 December and I called her to ask her about the time and place. She said that she wont be comfortable and that we shouldnt go. I slept at 12.15 on new years eve that day.Anyway that story came to a rest for close to 20 days.

Cut to late January and I wrote her a mail apologising for me being pushy before. I also told her that if a friend was what she was looking for at this time, I was ready to be that. She responded and hence started a chain of mails where we talked about everything. This led to messaging and finally phone calls. We talked about everything in those phone calls. Everything!This happened during 11-14 Feb. Unfortunately things soured after that. Most of it was my doing really. I couldnt really understand what she wanted and that is why I couldnt give her that. Instead I tried giving her something that she didnt want and hence the inevitable happened.

We havent talked for exactly 3 months now(If you dont count a 28 line chat on gtalk). Today somehow I came to know that she is going to be engaged soon. And married at the end of the year. I do not know what to feel at this point. Here I was thinking that having come back, I would go talk to her again and offer her what she really needed. And getting scared thinking about how I was gonna start. I do not think it should be a big problem now. I can start by congratulating her.

I am kinda a believer now in the phrase-"Every cloud has a silver lining." God knows how I would have reacted had something happened between us and I had then come to know that she was getting married according to the wishes of her parents. I do not exactly know whether I should feel happy or sad. But I do feel relieved. A big burden is off now and I do not need to be worried when I go talk to her next.

Anyway as before I wish her all the best in her professional and personal life and hope that she does get whatever she has always wanted to achieve. And I also ask God to please stop playing these games with me.